A tgirls experience with Christianity

When I was young and not yet able to form my own opinions, I had to lean on my parents for what was right and wrong. Being gay was one of the things they declared to be very wrong. I remember hearing a story on the news about a young man who had been dragged behind a truck for three miles for the sin of hitting on another man and my parents didn't see anything wrong with it. This disgusted me and made me fear that if my parents found out about me they would disown me and I would have to spend my life on the streets. One of my sisters later confirmed to me that I would be disowned if our parents knew after catching me blushing at a cute guy in a seventeen magazine. I would later confirm this further by coming out and then being disowned by the first man that broke my heart, my dad.

Growing up hearing the bible stories my sister would read to us on nights that Winnie-the-Pooh would not suffice. I found it odd that God would forsake some people while Jesus told us to love everyone. The contradiction never sat right with me. I decided to read the Bible myself and I did so seven times, front to back, trying to decode some message that would inform me of why I was the way I was and why God was supposed to both love and hate me. He doesn't hate gay people, some would say, he hates the sins that they commit. The sin of existing, it would seem.

If God hates gay people, then why did he make us? Some would say it was a part of the Fall and all one had to do was look to Sodom and Gomorrah to see. Although the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was that of treating the newcomers that had graced their lands poorly, as well as being a place of corruption, oppression, and injustice. Sounds like we need a lot more brimstone from the heavens these days and not for the gays.

I would cry myself to sleep at night knowing I was going to go to Hell no matter what I did because I was born cursed by my creator. This made me quite angry at him and angrier at myself for existing. Even killing myself was off the table because that's an instant ticket to the bad place. So I dated girls that didn't really interest me although my desperate need to be loved by someone in my life made me try to hang on to these attachments to an unhealthy degree. Something that would take me a long time to break.

When I started dressing like a girl when no one else was around, loneliness being another curse thrust upon me for most of my life, I would feel like a human for a short while and then get back into guy mode and cry all night again. I never felt I could make a real connection with anyone, having to hide who I really was for most of my life. You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. I didn't feel like I was allowed to love myself. I had to place a God I resented above myself, which I did until I decided I would no longer believe in him.

I spent a while as an atheist. I didn't run around and do horrible things the moment I stopped feeling like an all-knowing being was judging me every second of my life. I still had my morals, which came more from the movies I watched, the books I read, and the video games I played. All of my heroes were good people in my eyes, they didn't strictly follow the law or what the Bible said. They stood for what they believed in and did what was right even if it wasn't what was convenient.

After finding God again, I didn't become a born again that thrust my beliefs down peoples throats. I had matured. I understood that things aren't always black and white. Everyone is capable of both very good and great evil. I think it more comes down to why you do what you do. If it's self-serving and hurts someone else, then it's bad. Like cheating on your partner, stealing from others, hurting others, or doing things against another person's consent.

I don't believe God cares what words we use, as in cussing, the concept is childish. It's just thought control that others try to force onto you so they can weasel in other controlling thoughts so you can eventually police yourself. If you're too busy hating yourself for being gay or hating others for being gay, then you won't see the control they have placed on you. Just remember that money is the root of all evil, so you shouldn't give it to your church. Also, the separation of church and state doesn't mean they get broad-reaching tax exemptions.

It wasn't Christianity that brought me back to God, it was spirituality. I was told that spirituality was the tool of the devil, but with experience I learned this too was just propaganda that was trying to steer me in the wrong direction. We are spiritual beings living a human experience and most of the things the Bible condemns are also considered low vibrational things you shouldn't engage in according to spirituality. This helped me to bridge the gap between my moral code and accepting who I was as a person.

I don't believe God hates gay people, regardless of what the Bible says and the myriad of interpretations by so-called religious leaders. I wouldn't call the holy men of the Bible good by any stretch. Moses, commanded by God, had his followers stone a man to death for gathering wood on the Sabbath, Numbers 15:32-36. You ever work on the Sabbath? It might be Saturday, like it used to be, or it might be on Sunday like people claim now. You would have gotten stoned back in the day and not the fun way. Capitalism would suffer if this were a thing. So it no longer is, all hail the mighty dollar.

So, that's my experience. I left out my mom saying she should kill me for Jesus on Easter, or did I. My experience growing up wasn't of a loving God, it was of a wrathful God that hated most of the things he made. I hope your experience was better. Love yourself regardless of what a nut that puts ancient words above their own family says. They will go to Hell, where they belong. God loves everyone, most of us go to Hell regardless. No, that's not an excuse to be bad. Religion is most likely a trick to get most people to curse themselves. Do what you want as long as you aren't hurting anyone.