"Lies don't die they grow, and everything you try to hide eventually shows." - MGK "Treading Water."
I first began Vocal in 2021, April to be exact. I had just turned 34 that Feburary and I was struggling with sobrity, anxiety and depression. The post is titled "55 days Sober." (its linked if you would like to read it. Its so weird to think that was written almost half a decade ago, so much has changed but so much hasn't. It's almost been two weeks since I turned 39 and I have so many mixed emotions. Thinking back to being 29, about to turn 30 thinking man I'm "old" but also not know the journey that would lay ahead.
As I've went through my 30s I've realized just how much I dislike society and the norms that they have created for us. Even as I approach forty I am still not on the track for what society has set for us. I remember though turning thirty I was prepared for it to be the best years of my life, because thats what we are told. While my thirties have had some great memories, I have had some of my darkest moments and they weren't the best years of my life. What I will say, I am thankful. I have and am still learning so much about myself, but I am thankful to still be here. What I've learned is a decade of our life doesn't define our greatest years of our lives, its the moments within those decades that do. Every phase of my life holds some of my best and worst moments, some I miss more than others but they were great all the same.
"It's a long road to redemption, and a shorter one to damnation. I know which one is my destination, but the journey doesn't come without the frustrations." Treading Water- MGK
My thirties really have felt like treading water. Like I am floating in an ocean, my head barley above water. Then a wave comes along crashing over my head, knocking me under water unable to breath. Then I gather myself, rise to the surface and the process repeats. Throughout the last nice years I've truly lost the girl/woman I was and have yet to find the woman I am now. I've been trying hard, but find myself grasping on to my oldself. I miss who I once was. What I realize is she will always be apart of my journey and parts of her will always be who I am. Change is scary, and not something I handle well. Life is always evolving and changing, and I am realizing the greatness in that.
I feel like I was just never prepared for the types of changes that life would take. Society standards I would have been married with kids at this age and that isn't how my life has panned out. I am okay with that, but I feel a lot weights on my mind and has made it hard for me to find friends that relate to my life style. My goal for this next 11 months is to find my new self, embrace life as it is, and figure out what I want for the next 10 years of my life. If you are in the same or similar place in life just know you're not alone, and life has a way of working itself out.
When I write my annual birthday blog next year I hope that I am either in Hawaii typing from the beach, on a cruise to somewhere, or my dream destination Paris France. Sitting out on a balcony with an espresso, looking out in the distance at the Eiffel Tower. I thank each and every one of you who have supported me the last five years and everyone that supports me in the furture. It means the world to me! Thank you Vocal for creating a great platform for all of us creatives to write on!
About the Creator
Kimmiekins4
Here to share my thoughts, hopes, and dreams. Telling stories of my navigation through anxiety, depression and alcohol use. I am also working on my first novel, and want to share it on here with all of you as well!
Keep reading
More stories from Kimmiekins4 and writers in Journal and other communities.
Holidays don't always feel Magical
As the holiday season is under full swing I just wanted to take the time to write this blog. My favorite holiday is Christmas, but not ever Christmas or holiday season has felt magical to me. If you're feeling the same way you aren't alone. I also feel with the state of the world currently, this year might feel extra heavy. Some have also experienced loss of different compacities during the holidays, adding another layer to holidays not feeling quite so magical. For me personally it's mixture of so many things, from it being my grandmas birthday who is no longer here, to being broken up with on her birthday. All of that aside I feel like there is so much expectations put on holidays. Seeing people getting engaged, commercials showing happy couples and families. Making it feel like the holidays can only feel magical because of these things. While that is further from the truth, it's easy to get caught up in that narrative.
By Kimmiekins43 months ago in Journal
Comments (1)
I could not possibly express here how relatable your words are Kimmiekins4. I stopped trying so hard to align with 'established societal goals' deemed important (it can be quite alienating unless consigned to hermithood.) Of course, there are things that I strive for, but the value component they contain is inseparable from things like global compassion, shareable wealth and abundance that helps others to thrive and replicate the same model, and a love embodiment in concentrations high enough to transform any evil or negativity. We cannot expect a change in the world or ourselves for the better if we simply keep doing what we've always done. Great writing with gorgeous truths woven throughout!