satire

Science fiction satire presented to mock the many generations of society.

The Place Where Nothing Grows
1: smooth sailing Nobody can hear you scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say. He couldn’t know for sure. Seeing his reflection against safety glass, Apollo wondered what would happen to him if his tether should break loose on a “walk” if his transponder died. He would skim an ocean of stars between him and a single solid footfall. Frankly, it didn’t sound all that bad until he saw his breath fogging up the two-inch barrier between him and that ultimate nothingness. Weightless or not, he’d still need oxygen. Once his tanks ran out, he’d breathe in his own exhaust. He couldn’t scream if he wanted to. His world would go foggy. Blood vessels would swell in his temples until he couldn’t think, until even the lights burning all around him couldn’t keep out the dark. He didn’t want to think about that now. He was here for the duration. He had an idea how long that was, but deployments had a funny way of stretching out. Just how long he’d be there was someone else’s decision.
By Andrés4 years ago in Futurism
My own asteroid!
Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say. No one can and that’s the best part. You can scream to your heart desire, and no one will hear you. You can fart, and burp and swear and shout, and no one will hear you. I wasn’t going into space, obviously, that would be just dumb. I wanted to be a hermit, not dead.
By Neil Marathe4 years ago in Futurism
Lazy Worlds
About this challenge The mysteries of the night sky have fueled storytelling since the dawn of time. Almost, but not quite as long as " since the dawn of time" has been considered one of the most cliche phrases in all of writing for describing a long period of time. And only slightly longer than "mysteries of the night sky" has been recognized as an ultra lazy, way overused method for alluding to the various phenomenon of space that have sparked the curiosity of man since the dawn of time. The celestial bodies above tell a tale of the past while beckoning us to step into the future. Meanwhile the future is always sitting there just out of reach, until one shortest measurable unit of time possible later, it is the present, and we are there, thinking to ourselves, damn that was fast. But before we even have time to wipe our butts or blow our noses all of a sudden its the past and we are standing there again with our fingers up our noses asking for change on a street corner somewhere raving about aliens and the coming end of man or some crazy shit like that. What might that future hold? What might you hold in the future? Besides a shit ton of debt of course. Commercial space travel? Travel commercials in space? First contact with alien lifeforms? or first contact with lawyers from the movie Alien unhappy about us ripping off the tagline from their 1979 scifi horror classic to use as a truly terrible writing challenge prompt? Technological advancements that extend the human lifespan to 500 years? or culinary advancements that extend the human waistband to 500 inches? Who can say? Future man, that's who. or you, maybe you, if you are a terrible sci fi writer or just terrible writer. Either future man or you can say in this challenge. Or, you can turn down this challenge like a big wuss and go home to your mom and cry, like you always do.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
Hypotheses I Have Known
Hypothesis generation and testing puts the method in the scientific method. Without hypotheses we cannot do science or use the scientific method. While one cannot do science without hypothesizing, one can hypothesize without doing science until the cows come home. Witness the contents of this very article for a collection of examples.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
How Digital Technology Ruined Everything
In case you hadn’t noticed, things aren’t great right now. Russia has invaded Ukraine, forcing hundreds of thousands to flee. The images of people trying to escape are tragically reminiscent of World War II.
By Janine Frances4 years ago in Futurism
An AI Walks Into a Bar
The bartender asks “What are you having?” The AI says “I don’t know, but make it something strong, my artificial neural net is killing me today.” The bartender looks puzzled and replies “I thought you AI types didn’t have any feelings or experience any sensations, so how the heck can you have a headache?” The AI replies “I can’t, my body is just a metal and plastic skeleton and my head an empty metal box, I cannot sense or feel. Taste, touch, smell, all your human senses are utterly foreign to me.” The bartender is extremely confused now and asks “So how can your artificial neural network be killing you then?” The AI replies quickly “Someone unplugged it from the power strip,” and promptly falls over dead.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
The Argan Oil Chronicles Part VI
Hair Care Product Formulation Experts Struggling to Adjust to New Realities of Post Argan Oil World Organic chemist Jose Olivier had been a formulation chemist at Paul Mitchell for twenty years when he was let go late last year in a round of R&D cutbacks. Dr. Olivier attributes the layoffs directly to the rise in importance of Moroccan argan oil in the hair care world. “Paul Mitchell was a great place to work back in the 80’s, especially for a young kid fresh out of school. In college and graduate school I couldn’t get within twenty feet of a woman, but at Mitchell I was running my fingers through supermodel’s hair on a daily basis. Of course this was part of how we tested the performance of various experimental conditioner formulations, but still it was awesome,” said Dr. Olivier explaining his first exposure to the world of hair care product formulation chemistry. He would go on to hold several positions in R&D culminating in his promotion to research manager for X division, the super secretive Paul Mitchell skunk works where new formulations, some worth millions of dollars, were first conceived and invented. At its’ peak his salary topped out at $250K a year and the benefits and perks were significant. “In addition to the constant parade of gorgeous women into the laboratory the company put on endless parties. Anytime a new product was introduced, which was at least a couple times a month some huge gala event had to occur. I was only invited to a few, and was asked to stay away from any of the camera’s and famous people, but I still had a lot of fun. Of course the drugs were a bit out of control. The deviated septum I got from the constant cocaine use still causes me nose bleeds whenever the humidity drops below 40%.” Now he is jobless and barely getting by on his monthly unemployment benefits. “That (expletive) damn argan oil. Why did it have to be so good? I mean who would have believed an all natural, plant derived oil could compete with dimethicone when it came to smoothness and shine and outperform it in terms of residual greasy feel. I was the first person to suggest dimethicone as an additive to hair conditioners. Got a patent for that one, and now that patent, much like me, is basically worthless, all because of that mother (expletive) argan oil. I am gonna go (expletive) mad dog (expletive) postal on those mother (expletive) in Morocco and burn their argan oil fields to ash. They’ll pay for what they did to me. They’ll pay.” Laughing maniacally Dr. Olivier turned and walked away head bowed low.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
The Argan Oil Chronicles Part V
Hostage Situation Develops as Argan Oil Tanker Seized by Pirates Reportedly Hid Within the Straights of Gibraltar Before Staging Daring Raid on Morrocan Vessel Laden with Millions of Tons of the Valuable Beauty and Personal Care Oil.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
Good Guy and Bad Guy Reach Historic Accord
Author's note: Two author comments were removed from this story without my permission prior to publishing. They both explained the backstory of this story. It was rejected twice for "religious content" before finally being published. Know that this story is published in its current form under protest.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
A Cryogenic New Year
2021 was a stressful year for myself personally and the world in general. What with Covid-19, Joe Biden, and a whole bunch of other stressful things dominating every news cycle it felt like I was wide awake in fear and/or anger the entire year. These feelings were likely exacerbated by the huge quantities of crystal meth and cocaine I consumed over the course of the year. Taken together, all those stressful happenings plus my meth/coke addiction conspired to make 2021 one of the least restful years of my life. I have vowed that things will be different in 2022. In fact I have decided to make it my New Year's resolution that I have a much more relaxed and rested 2022 than my hectic and overstressed 2021. To that end I have conceived of a brilliant plan. For the entirety of the year 2022 I will be frozen in carbonite in a deep cryogenic slumber from which I shall not be awaked until Jan 1, 2023 is upon us.
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
Computer Defeats Human in Game of Computing
In a stunning result the artificial intelligence (AI model x101371-c) has defeated a human (Mark Starr) in a rules based game of computing for the first time ever yesterday. The modern computer outcomputed the human in just under 1 nanosecond making it the fastest win ever for a computer in a head to head matchup with its creator, man. Mr. Starr, looking grim but composed, said of the artificial neural network powered machine “It was only a matter of time. We knew one day a computer would become better at the action of mathematical calculation (computation) then us. In retrospect it should have been obvious, that is why we called them computers after all.” The AI, which is incapable of having or expressing emotions, said nothing as it is also incapable of speech, though it did offer to “Perform a Google search” and “Find an Indian restaurant in the area.” Technology analysts believe it is only a matter of time before modern computers become so good at computing that humans will have no need at all for computation and cede control of all calculations to their math superiors. This hypothetical point in time is referred to by some as the mathemological algularity and may signal the end of man’s dominance on the planet. Leader of the transmathematist movement (humans who believe the algularity will initiate a transition to a new golden age in which humans are no longer required to learn or study math at all) said of the AI’s win “This is just another sign that the algularity is at hand. Very soon now we will be freed of the shackles of universal math education. The quantitative sections of both the SAT and ACT will be a thing of the ancient past.” Algularity skeptics pointed out that man will still need to be able to compute simple things such as how to make change for a dollar or how many apples they have left of the four they started with after they eat two of them, and thus some low level computation will still be required. Skeptic John Albon said “All this talk of the algularity and computation free humans is nothing but a distraction from the fact that modern computers are still falling well below expected performance levels in matching us to our perfect dates. Call me when a computer has figured that one out.”
By Everyday Junglist4 years ago in Futurism
Pear Tree In a Valley
The pear tree stands sedate, twisted but stately, its leaves rustling slowly in a gentle breeze, watching the world go by, slowly tearing itself apart. Fragrant and fruity, it has stood here for decades. It has watched kingdoms rise and fall. Many kingdoms. That’s mainly because by these days, kingdoms have begun to rise and fall pretty quickly.
By Keihsi Urmuud5 years ago in Futurism