addiction
The realities of addition; the truth about living under, above and beyond the influence of drugs and alcohol.
Let’s break up..PLEASE!!
We are done!! Over!! Never again!!! GOOD FUCKING BYE!!!! We have been together for over 15 years now and I am sorry but it’s not working for me anymore. You have become so selfish and manipulative, and most importantly abusive. I guess I can’t blame you entirely, I allowed it to get this bad. I guess I just held on to the past and thought about the good times we shared. I remember it like yesterday when you came into my life. My neighbor introduced us and although nervous at first and shy I decided to get to know you. We all went out and had a few drinks and enjoyed the downtown night life and for once in my life I was care free and alive. You made me feel so alive!! I wasn’t sure if I would ever see you again after that night but you were very persistent and I enjoyed having you around, I felt like I could be the real me. I loved you for that. You lit a spark inside me that made me believe that I was holding back this whole time and had sooo much more to offer. I remember when I brought you to my job for the first time. “Wow Jenny you have a glow about you tonight” “ Omg table 14 loves you and wants you to take care of them next time, great service tonight!” At that very moment I truly believed it was because of you. You ignited my soul, again, you made me come alive. I remember that very same night laying down and giving thanks that you came into my life. I always thought I was out going and social but NOW I mean NOW I was the REAL me!!!! The saying is 100% true “hindsight is 20/20”. I am not going to lie things were great at first but then you never gave me alone time. Constantly wanting to spend time together WE HAD to be together, cause if not people would know the truth. The truth....the truth that you weren’t my everything, you didn’t really make me feel alive, all you did was help mask the pain and hurt I had pushed down and didn’t want to come up. I mean people always say to take your worries away focus on the positive. Well my positive from the age 22 was Cocaine. Many of you would have believed to this point I was talking about a intimate relationship with another being. Well coke was that partner for me. Little did I know 13 years later I would have been by a lake praying to God asking why? Why do I have to live when all I do is cause pain? Why am I this way? Why can’t people love ME!! The real ME!!! That night I was told to kill myself because I would do everyone a favor. Was I that horrible? Had things gotten that bad? And the answer was YES!!! I had been kicked out of my home living in my car, raped beaten and completely alone. The once amazing partner that had brought me to life was now killing me. That night I checked myself into rehab and never thought in a million years that rehab would help. WRONG!!!! I had never seen life in a better light than I did when I was sober. Sober! Holy shit!! It was amazing!! Absolutely incredible! Until 7 months later I was dealt a similar situation of feeling not wanted shamed and not enough. And BAM....My soft crystalline friend showed up. This time was different though. I did NOT feel alive like I was did, I did feel loved or wanted, I felt like scum. What the hell happened to coke? Do your trick? What’s going on? I never knew til that very moment that I had such a close relationship with this drug because I had a lot of things I suppressed and pushed down and couldn’t deal with. I was diagnosed with Major depression. general anxiety and PTSD. I had been using coke to self medicate because in my mind it worked. And I’m not going to sit here and bullshit you, it did work, at one point. But in the end made my mental illness and past trauma worse. I struggle every day with the urge to use coke, to mask my insecurities to deal with life, to freaking adult for the day. I have slipped numerous times but I at a point in my life I want to breakup for good with my first love. Life is going to be rough and some days I will feel like dying but with right medication the right support and that “hindsight” I choose to LIVE! I choose to live flaws trauma baggage and all! I choose to be Jenny Davis. NOT a side piece to a destructive manipulative and abusive partner. GOODBYE!!!
By Jenny Davis 5 years ago in Psyche
Drugs to stop other Drugs
I grew up in South Mississippi, the view of psychedelics in my area have been taboo for as long as they have been in the public eye. My first experiences with psychedelics were effected by the perception I naturally had from growing up here. My first handful of trips were horrible at the time but taught me many character flaws that I was refusing to address or even aware of. I was no longer afraid to do soul searching and look into the way I treated my body, mind and the people around me. During this phase of my life I was doing high doses of MDMA as well as drinking absurd amounts of beer and vodka. I was pushing myself towards death and I could not have cared less. I smoked two packs a day, I used a can of dip a day, and washed it all down with Monster and Hot Pockets. I was not taking care of any aspect of my life. I worked hard and partied hard, it worked for about six months before my mind completely snapped. I was in psychosis for months. I was in and out of inpatient psych care and substance abuse rehab centers. I was mostly sober, except for the LSD I could sneak. So not sober at all, but it was slowly changing the way I viewed myself and the habits that I had stacked up that had nearly killed me. I kept this use a secret for as long as possible and I was never actually caught, somehow it helped me more than the therapy sessions and the classes. I have not done any of the hard drugs that I was involved with since 2016 because of this. It seems like it would not work and that I was just fucking off but it helped me heal from the damage that my abuse of speed, coke and ketamine had done. I finally moved home from San Diego to Mississippi and refused to go to any 12 Step meetings for a while. I eventually got depressed and lonely enough to go to a local meeting and I dove head first into the whole AA thing. It helped me very much and gave me the break from my own thoughts that I needed. I made it one year completely sober which I had not done since I was fourteen years old. Everybody was proud of me again and it felt good to be recongized for some positive change instead of wrecking my life and forcing people to help me. I lasted about six more months before I decided I wanted to eat shrooms again for the first time since 2016. So I ordred a grow kit and grew about 8 grams in my first try. At the time, I was not doing any drugs besides smoking Marlboro Smooths and taking CBD gummies to help with knee pain and for sleep. I had smoked since I was fourteen and I felt horrible pain in my chest from when I woke up until I went to sleep. I was still attending local meetings and keeping up appearences while growing mushrooms next to my bed. I felt like a total piece of shit, and I wish that I had owned up to it sooner but I wanted to change my state of mind more than I wanted to be truthful. I ate the shrooms after drying them out for a few days and it was off to the races. I did not really have a goal other than trying to stop smoking because I had saw an article about how it might work. So I lit up a square and tried to take a drag and almost threw up from the awful taste in my mouth. It felt as if I was trying to swallow bleach with my lungs. I threw it in my coffee can ash tray on my porch and went inside to lay on my bed. It took a while to get comfortable but once I did I closed my eyes and I saw visions of cancer growing in lungs and myself in a casket. I saw my friends and family looking down on me crying, I tried to open my eyes to make it go away but my room when I looked around was still a funeral proceeding. After a few minutes the visions subsided and I had a warm feeling in my stomach, it was pleasurable while also being extremely painful. When that pleasure/pain went away, I started thinking about how my past choices were going to be the death of me if I did not start taking care of myself. That trip started a few months of me trying to smoke weed and dabbling again with LSD. During these trips I was able to look from a different angle at why I needed to be high to be okay. It was never about what drug it was, anything was better than my own mind to me at the time. Since then, I have taken a few more trips and changed my relationship with booze. I am able to have a single beer and enjoy a football game without completely going off the rails. This has been going on for over two years, I can be inside my mind without smoking, without destroying my brain or my body with the many substances that almost killed me. I learned to be okay with being single and not be a codependent asshole. Now I am married with kids and have a peaceful self employed life. I found my groove. It took me twenty three years but I sure as hell am where I am supposed to be, with who I am suppossed to be with. I know myself and have learned to love me for me. I still have my bad days, some come in frequent waves but I am still here and Im okay. Magic shroomies and LSD helped me fix myself, it gave me a chance to really look at how I was fucking up and I am a far better human being because of these experiences. This isn't a promotion of doing drugs that can land you in prison, but if you are stuck in a rut and are very desperate for some positive changes, do some research and make your own choice.
By Noah Brownlee5 years ago in Psyche
My Trauma's Got A Trigger Finger
My trauma has a very active trigger finger. It fires when I least expect it, and long after I thought I'd dealt with the pain and repercussions of my past relationship. I know my experience isn't unique, but the old adage of 'a problem shared...' might prove to be somewhat true if I get my thoughts out into the ether of the internet. Or so my thinking goes.
By Nati Saednejad5 years ago in Psyche
When Sexting Becomes an Addiction
For many, sexting or delivering sexually explicit material via electronic devices can turn into an addiction. While sexting addiction isn't a diagnosable mental state condition; many specialists state it could be an element of sexual addiction and an important effect on day-to-day functioning.
By Fahim Chughtai5 years ago in Psyche
America's Next Favorite Pastime!
DISCLAIMER: While my brothers permitted me to tell our story, I was asked not to use real names to maintain anonymity. Because of this, all names in this post are aliases. Also, this story (while not given in graphic detail) discusses substance abuse and addiction.
By Matilda Ruiz5 years ago in Psyche
The Tao of Zack
Zack, just released from the hospital after his third suicide attempt, is heading off to Columbus, Ohio with a girl he met in AA two months ago. Two equally miserable, desperate heroin addicts fleeing the hostile desert, seeking a fresh start. He has no money, no job, no teeth in his upper jaw, no real life, no clear path forward. He will exchange one hopeless life for another.
By Emma Dillon5 years ago in Psyche
Blame My Brain!
Even before you became addicted, your brain made you vulnerable to substance and activity dependency. This is because, at the very core, we have an animal brain. All it cares for is getting pleasure and avoiding pain. Neuroplasticity also enables any behaviour (helpful or harmful) to become ingrained and automatic. The reality is that our brains both encourage and support our addiction at a physical level.
By Belinda Tobin5 years ago in Psyche
