When the Village Seriously Matters

Parents, I am going to let you in on a secret. It does take a village to raise a child. It is invaluable if and only if, your village is worthy and genuinely cares. Who the village consists of is not as important as the quality and commitment they have for you and your family. But I assure you, parents, at some point in the raising of your family, you will need them to have your back and that of your children’s.

Some of you know, I have one son. He is a good man, and was a great kid growing up. He was not an angel though. No kid is, really. He basically stayed out of trouble, but not always. We, as parents expected the hard things, and we tried to be proactive in keeping him away from bad influences. We kept him from having too much time on his hands, to get into trouble. That is pretty key in raising kids. Be prepared to keep them occupied when they are awake. When they sleep, yes they are all angels, halos and all.

We had Elijah in sports as soon as he could stand. That was a two and maybe three fold objective. One it would keep him from getting into the wrong situations out of boredom. Two, it would keep him healthy and fit, hopefully creating a love of activity, for life. Three, sports would keep him off drugs.

If you have kids, plan for that ahead of time. Sports are fun for everyone, but they are not cheap. None of them are. Aside from the actual expense of the sport and gear, there is the hidden expenses of group lunches, a minivans, food, lots off food, and earplugs. So plan and save up.

Our son is bright and has always been mature for his age. He did well in school, and did well in sports, a bit better than well. He took piano lessons and had plenty of social interaction with friends, early on, since he was an only child.

We doted on him, were never absent from his life and my husband and I made our responsibility to be there for him, our top priority. I was “the swim mom”. I took the tribe on outings, I make group meals, I cooked for the swim meets, was active in his school and helped there, and made sure he had exposure to faith, where I was active, for me. Parents need you time too.

With all of that attention and dedication, he still managed to find some trouble. Fortunately for him and for us, we are not unwise parents. We caught on very quickly and immediately took action. But we were not alone in the battle.

At age sixteen, our son was a seasoned competitive swimmer, had grades over a 3.4 average, and played piano beautifully, but he was beginning to figure out what he wanted and what he didn’t. He was beginning to prioritize what he valued and enjoyed over what he would have no problem giving up.

We allowed him to make the choices he needed to or wanted to, as long as he could back up soundly, his reason and his position. We trusted him. Kids and trust are a precarious combination. Trusting kids, should be taken with a degree of caution, because they are wicked good at hiding things.

We found that out, in our sons teens. Teens. Websters dictionary defines it as the years in hell. (not really, but is should) The first sign of the beginning of growing pains was after he had turned sixteen.

He had come to us asking to give up piano, because he just wasn’t enjoying it anymore. We allowed it without a problem. Kids should not be forced to continue something they don’t care for because they won’t put their all into it, and that is just wasted time, money and energy for all parties.

Elijah was practicing twice a day, five days a week, and once on the the sixth. He was busy. He went to every meet, kept grades up and did not seem in anyway different in his behavior or patterns.

Mistake one. Don’t assume because they are Oscar caliber actors, that they are not getting into a mess. They will, and most certainly do.

The first time I realized it, was one day when I was looking for something in his room, and I can’t remember what it was, so don’t ask. I went into a built in sideboard cabinet to look for it, because it was where I had last seen it. I saw a box. I pulled the box to see if the thing I wanted was behind it and noticed how heavy it was, so I opened it.

I began having a nervous and angry tremble under my skin as I looked at full bottles of alcohol, unopened six pack of beer, and a partial bottle of vodka. I had to take a minute.

I pulled it out took it to the dining room and unloaded the entire box. I made sure I found nothing else in his room and I didn’t. And then I called the pool. He had left twenty minutes minutes earlier for practice. I asked for his coach and got him on the line.

When his coach got not the phone, I asked him to send Elijah home immediately, that something important happened. I assured hime there was no one dead, and said goodbye.

Five minutes later, he walks in through the kitchen door and sees the contents of his box on the dining room table. Casper. That was the color of white, his face turned as he looked at the liquor and me sitting at the table with it.

Now, I will tell you, I am the coolest mom. I am. I am the mom who takes everyone to have fun, who does cool stuff for her kid and doesn’t say no, to much. But when I have to be, I can be very intimidating and to a kid, scary. Scary to our son, because he never knew what he was to expect. I was not strict, per se, but I was stern when it came to disobedience and bad behavior. That is my job as a mom. I make no apologies for it.

I had him sit down and calmly asked about the liquor. I prefaced the question, by stating he had better think long and hard before answering with a lie. I was no fool.

He looked at me and studied me. He could see the steadiness intensity of my words and knew. He knew I was not messing around.

I could always tell when he would try to lie, and I won’t write it out, because he can’t know what his own tell is. That is mine alone as mom, the mom radar.

He told me where he got it, how he got it, and when. He told me what he drank, which I knew, and then he sat waiting. I took a moment to plan my words and punishment and then I gave down the verdict. I punished him by taking away the things he loved for a period of time. It always has to be something that makes an impact, so for him, to was loss of practice for a week, no video gaming for the same, and no television. He was not allowed to go out with friends either and no phone use.

Then I lead him to his room and asked him to show me every nook and cranny. When he had done so, I took him up stairs, asked him how much he has spent on the booze, and then had him pour every ounce down the drain. When he griped that he could have returned it and gotten his money back I told him no. I told him drinking was just like what he was doing with the liquor. It is during money and life, down the drain.

I then took him to his coach and told him he was going to tell his coach, why he was not going to be able to count on his that week for practice, and as an added measure, why he would not be participating in the next meet.

Ouch! That was the ouch heard around the world. I knew my point had now been received and understood.

Afterwards, I called the police department and informed them of the store that permitted a child to but alcohol without ID. To be fair, the store probably thought my son was in his late twenties. He had a full beard at sixteen and carried himself confidently and maturely. No excuse. They should card my grandmother. Period.

You know when they talk of gateway drugs? Well that should include alcohol or any altering substance. When you find anything remotely suspicious like this, it is time to shift into stealth mode and keep that trap disarm spell in hand. You are about to embark on hunting dragons. The caverns are dark places wrought with evil and danger.

He cleaned his act for quite some time. He did not want to lose what he had, ever again. So, slowly he earned trust back to a degree.

Just as an afterthought, when trust is broken in anyway by anyone, that trust will be hard-fought to return, and will never return fully. Never.

Easter Sunday came around. I got up as usual and prepared to go to church, and went down to wake the bear. He slept like the dead and no alarm would wake him, not even to this day. He has several to do the work.

I knocked, no answer. I slid the door open to get him up and he was not there. The bedroom window was wide open, cold air was blowing in.

My heart stopped. I believe it didn’t start up again until he was back. I went to get my husband and we began to put our minds together. He left driving to find him and I began calling and calling our son’s cell. He was not answering. You can not imagine the shear panic and terror we felt, unless you’ve been there.

My husband called me about 30 minutes later, and said he found him about a couple miles from home and they were on their way back.

As soon as they walked into the house I looked at Elijah and knew. He was on something. I asked him what he was on and he denied it. His tell alerted mom radar, not that I needed that. I could see it. I knew what to look for, I had done drugs plenty in my youth, and he was never going to get away with hiding anything.

After denying it, I told him to shower and that we were going to church. While he showered, I called the village. I called our pastor, our son’s youth pastor, and the Sunday School teacher, to inform them we needed the whole tribe’s input.

We got there, Elijah went to have a chat with these men in private. When they returned, the youth pastor confirmed that he too could tell. Strike two, or is that three.

After service, we were going to a gathering of gaming friends, who I texted that we would be late. I stopped at the drugstore picked up a bag and we went home. When we got home, I placed the cup on the table and told him we were not moving until he peed in the cup. Long story short, he gave all the lame excuses everyone gives on why they can’t pee, but I worked in the medical field and knew better. I gave him water and made him keep drinking until he was ready to pee. The minute I saw the results, there was no more debating. He was caught.

Over the next couple weeks, he ran off a couple more times. We found him once, but the other two times, I had to ask the police to find him and bring him home. The first time they told him what would happen if they picked him up again.

In our state, he would be removed from the home, sent somewhere, where he knows no one and with only the clothes on his back. He would be in custody of the ever effective foster system. That was not enough.

He tried that again one more time, and this time the officer that came over asked to see his room, came back up and asked to speak to Elijah, outside. They had a conversation and came back in and the conversation continued. The officer, told him outright, he had a wonderful home, a great room, and parents that were concerned and loved him, and that he had no reason to be acting this way. That sunk in some.

Our pastors, became proactive with us and as a team we set in place checks and balances. Life 360 was placed on all our phones, so we could see where he was at all times, a governing app was installed on his phone so he could only access parts of the internet and I would get a report every day of what sites and when were accessed.

His movements were restricted. School, which was home, practice, and church were his only options in locations he could be. Our son fumed, but took his, lumps. He no longer liked his pastors who he loved before. They were his enemies.

The pastors kept him busy, once a week he went to them for counseling, they would have lunch with him and find ways for him to get out of the house and actually do something good for others, with their guidance. Slowly, Elijah calmed down.

Our son started a job around month three. He was drug and alcohol tested, and got the job, which paid him well. Within a month he was made maintenance manager of two health clubs and felt good about himself. His eyes began to open and at some point he got it. The light went on and he understood.

He was being productive and making money, saving money and improving his own self esteem. We slowly gave him privileges. Work first, obviously, the little by little all of them were returned. We kept the life 360 on his phone until he turned eighteen. He was fine with it. It would maintain his accountability.

One day, our son came up to his father and me and said thank you. We asked for what. He said he wanted to thank us for not giving up on him, for taking such a firm stance, and for surrounding him with people that were vigilant in having his back and ours. He said he understood why we did it and was grateful that we had, because he was able to turn himself around in 3 months and have something worth having, his self respect. He was respected at work, he had regained his respect with his mentors and pastors, and then he had ours too, alongside our love.

I’ll tell you, I cannot imagine getting through it or anything worse without the village. They empowered, supported, and occupied our son to keep him on the straight and narrow. They did more than that for us, as parents. They gave us reprieve from having to sleuth constantly over our son, and showed their love for him and us, by caring to that degree.

That level of love has no price.

Elijah, soon after thanking us, went to each pastor and told them the same. That was impressive for me. He did that on his own. He also went to his coaches and did likewise.

Then he went to the police station to speak to the officers that had found him each time and the one that had given him a heart to heart. He could not remember the names, so he gave them the story and dates to look up the reports, and none were found. None of them had written it up.

Elijah had a mentor at church who was a police officer in our city, asked him if he could find them, and when he looked into it, he found no evidence either. He wanted so badly to thank them he said, but had no way to do that. So we told him, to thank them by staying out of trouble and doing something with himself.

He has.

This is why the village matters. You can’t always do things alone. Sometimes we need the village family.

#family #parenting #life #lifelessons #ittakesavillage